Stepfamily Life Isn’t Fair! Shake Resentment and Find the Happiness You Deserve By Mary T. Kelly, MA
You think about it in the car, in the shower and in your office. You think about it whether you’re in the kitchen, in bed or working out. You even think about it as you meditate. Or, try to meditate. You think about it in your sleep.
No matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is, good mood or bad … thoughts of resentment seep in. They’re often uninvited and unwanted. Without even being aware of it, you ruminate over and over about how many things are unfair in your life.
This is especially true when it comes to your role as a stepmom—as someone who is partnered to a person who already has kids. “It’s not fair!” may be an ongoing, internal refrain. Despite how much you try to shake them from your head, those irritating and intrusive thoughts persist.
Is what (or who) you’re resentful of …
⊲ Your sense of loneliness?
⊲ Your partner, his ex, his kids?
⊲ His permissive parenting style?
⊲ His inability to understand you?
⊲ Their collective lack of boundaries?
⊲ Judgment from others and a loss of privacy?
Perhaps you resent your own resentment. (Yes, it’s entirely possible to feel this way.) Or yourself, as in your seeming inability to shake these toxic feelings and move on—without taking any of it personally or feeling like a failure when they affect your thoughts, your couple’s relationship and your self-worth. The list could go on and on.
Yet, we all know that resentment sucks. It makes you feel angry and out of control. When you complain to others, they may reflect back words of encouragement meant to simply rid you of the bitterness. Platitudes abound to remind you to what extent resentment is ruining your day or life.
You may respond to them, “Yes, that is so true! I’m only hurting myself with all of this resentment, anger and frustration. I must change this!” But 10 minutes later your thoughts go back to how there are so many things about stepfamily life that you just can’t stand.
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I’ve been with my fiancé since 2015. Off and on the first couple years after meeting as we both came from divorces and new to the dating life. Both of us having 3 kids from our previous marriages, so 6 combined. At first his eldest daughter always had moments of being accepting to it, then a week later not being accepting to it. It was, it is hard. BUT I decided to make the “move in” decision in 2019… we lived an hour and 20 minutes from one another so the relationship definitely had its struggles we only had weekends together at times. She seemed fine with us all there at first then. Little by little pulling away, at 19 which was only 6 months time of us moving in she made the decision to move out completely and move in full time at her moms.
She pulled away, we would ask for her to visit, come over for dinner, ect. She was always busy. Right now it’s at a point where she has bad mouthed me and my kids to her brother and sister and my fiancé. Basically she has admitted she just doesn’t like us and wants us gone. She doesn’t feel she fits is what she says. The ex her mom has text me and my fiancé putting the blame on me for her feeling this way.and other hurtful accusations. I chose to not respond as I numbed out and can’t believe it’s going this far. She’s text saying she will never forgive me for taking her dad away. So much more to all of this but this is just the just of it. I love his other two like there my own all the rest of the kids get along it’s just her with not wanting to accept this new change. She’s 20 and this is the worst it’s ever been.. she says she’s suicidal she doesn’t want to live she blames her dad because to her he’s been an absent father.
I can’t help but feel if I stay with him and I will never be able to be happy, I think if she really did do something to herself I could never live with myself at the thought it was all because of me or that if I stay in the picture she feels she can’t have a relationship with him. I don’t want any of these reasons on my conscious. I’m not at peace, I feel depressed and I know he’s hurting. Reaching out trying to get her to come by so we can fix this and she refuses. And states If she dies don’t bother acting like we knew her and other hurtful words.
Do I stay and feel this weight on my shoulders, fear she might do something to herself, see him sad about not having a relationship with his daughter?
Or do I walk? Help?