Mini-Wives: A Stepmom’s Guide to Dealing With His Dominating Daughter by Mary T. Kelly, MA
Are you having stepdaughter issues?
PICTURE THIS: It’s your wedding day and you’re marrying the ideal man for you. Granted, he comes with a 6-year-old daughter—but you’ve known her for a while and you get along well. Your special day is going to be perfect!
Imagine your surprise when it’s time for the first dance and your brand spanking new husband reaches out for his daughter’s hand and leads her to the dance floor. You’re left standing there, as heat fills your cheeks and you attempt a feeble smile aimed at the guests, hoping that the pounding in your heart isn’t noticeable.
Yet, it only gets worse. She helps him cut the cake and he insists that she go on the honeymoon with you because, after all, this level of change “is just really hard on her.”
Valentine’s Day rolls around. Your partner tells you he’s taking you and his daughter to dinner—because he wants you both to feel special. His daughter proceeds to sit on his lap, interrupts you and even ignores you. From where you’re sitting, you can see that she’s manipulating your partner while undermining you.
You’re left holding your head in your hands, thinking, “How did I end up like this?”
As crazy as these scenarios sound, I’ve heard them play out all too often among my clients. I confess to having been shocked the first time I heard these stories. Over time, however, they lost their shock value.
There truly is a prevalence, among stepmoms, to experience stepdaughters as competition: as mini-wives. …To read the rest of this article, log in to your account and download the February 2016 issue. Don’t have an account? Click here to subscribe.
I can totally relate to this, SD was 8 when I meet her(now 14) and spoiled by DH for 2 years before I came along, she would sleep with him, she got what she wanted(DH says to make her happy), he didn’t have custody but had her every night til 830, as mom worked, when I came along so did a Stepdad, so she got less time with Dad and no more sleeping with dad, etc. You get the picture, SD treats her dad like they are married, gives him hack for doing the wrong things, argues about everything, as she says she is right. DH was treated with no respect in 1st marriage and now SD is doing the same to him. SD does not want to follow rules, she left our house without a goodbye b/c she didn’t like the rules and took 7 months for her to talk to her dad again, SD says dad choose me over her. SD is very selfish and thinks her dad should only love her and no one else. Also SD sister (was 17, now 19) was kicked out of her moms house over a year ago and thinks we choose her sister over her, SD (14) is very rude to her sister and blames her for everything too, including not having her dad to spoil her. I am the one who always bought the stuff for my SD’s and SD(14) would only thank her dad and never acknowledge me in front of anyone. SD does not like change and is very stubborn, lives with her mom who is also stubborn, both refuse to get go see a counsellor. It is so hard to see my DH be treated with a lot of disrespect from is D’s and EXW. DH is very passive guy and says it will all go away if not mentioned. That is why SD #1 came to live with us, no one said anything to try to fix all the disrespect and blamed everyone else(no one took responsibility for their actions) and I am afraid SD #2 will do the same, yet she cant stand me, to live with us. So frustrated! Any suggestions on how to handle a rude disrespectful 14 year old? I know dad has to say something, but he is afraid to lose her again. (But lets let her walk all over you??)
Yours is a really tough but common situation. Nothing will change until your husband alters his behavior and if he doesn’t? He’s putting your relationship at risk. We highly recommend you work with a stepfamily therapist. Many offer Skype sessons. Mary T. Kelly, Christina Roach and Brenda Snyder are all excellent choices. You’ll find their contact info here: https://www.stepmommag.com/our-writers/ we wish you all the best.