Stepmoms Who Disengage: Stepping Back Gracefully Isn’t Easy (Here’s How to Do It!) BY ERIN CARELESS, PHD
As a stepmother, you’ve probably heard these phrases more than once before:
“JUST LET IT GO.”
“STEP BACK FOR NOW.”
“DISENGAGE WITH LOVE.”
Being a stepmom comes with its own unique set of challenges and, very often, not a whole lot of support.
We need to shift our expectations of what it means to live in a family and acknowledge that different families have different dynamics.
Sometimes a stepmom has no choice but to step back or disengage from her role, in part or completely, but this is not an easy process. Nor is it one that will magically cure the challenges of stepparenting. Here’s my story. Can you relate?
MY FAMILY DYNAMIC
I’m a stepmom to two wonderful kids, ages 9 and 11, and have been in their lives for almost four years. For the first two years, we saw them most weekends. Last year, a temporary job posting for my husband took us 10 hours and two Canadian provinces away. So, instead of every weekend, we now see them less frequently and for longer chunks of time.
It’s been tough on all of us, but this past summer brought the challenges to a head. The kids were with us for the entire summer. While my husband worked, it was me at home with them and our baby girl. The kids used their iPads and played video games a lot (Stop me if you’ve heard this one, right?), which I didn’t love.
My hubby—who is wonderful, I should add—suffers from a severe case of Guilty Dad disease and “just wanted them to have fun and be happy.” You’re nodding your head right now, aren’t you? Uh-huh, been there. We started out requiring them to tidy their rooms and make their beds, at least, but that little agreement was quickly forgotten.
And, if he wasn’t going to enforce the rules, I sure wasn’t going to be the bad guy!
So, here I was: a stepmom and a new mom (which, by the way, is pretty tough as it is), feeling silenced in her own home. The tension between me and my husband grew and my tolerance for the kids and their behavior got smaller by the day. I knew I had to make a change. …To read the rest of this article, log in and download the February 2018 issue. Don’t have an account? Click here to subscribe.
I’m husband is such a guilty dad to my 11 and 9 year old step children. And I have no children of our own nor do we plan to. It’s such a lonely experience
We recently went through an awful custody battle with the girls. We had such an amazing relationship with them before and now…if I simply ask them about their day or try to plan things, I am ignored, insulted, or yelled at because I’m the step mo, so why should I care. I’m trying to keep our toddler out of the middle of it all, but she’s very observant.