Riding the Stepfamily Roller Coaster: How to Survive Your Stepkids’ Emotional Ups and Downs by Brenda Snyder, LCSW
No relationship runs more hot and cold than the one you might have with a stepkid. Even less predictable than a high school romance, you can tuck in and kiss your stepdarling good night only to receive the cold shoulder the very next morning.
It wasn’t fun getting dumped the night after prom. The bewilderment and lack of control over extraneous factors you experience in this dynamic often feel no differently.
As in all relationships, the only power you have is over what you put into it, and you have no say over how that input is received. For that reason, many stepmoms dial back their emotional investments to protect themselves against the despair and heartbreak that arise from the unpredictability of affection they receive in their stepfamilies.
Teenage girls who bounce back from devastating breakups, you’ll recall, are the ones who didn’t give up all their friends and extracurricular activities so they could be available to their boyfriends at every moment. Stepmoms who weather their relationship ups and downs the best are the ones who maintain supportive relationships and activities outside of their stepfamilies.
It wasn’t healthy to allow your identity to get swallowed up back then and nothing much has changed since. It can help, however, to look through your stepchild’s eyes in an attempt to understand why they behave as they do.
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