So, after letting me vent and guzzle for an hour or so, she stopped me and gently said, “You need to be the mother ship, not the Mother.” I stopped in my tracks because I knew this was going to be a good one. I put down my cider and told her to go on.

She described this mother ship vessel I was supposed to be as the calm within the storm. Despite all the drama, chaos and conflict, the stepmom as the mother ship is steady and strong. All parties can go to her for peace and wisdom. She is a safe place, non-judgmental, non-partisan and definitely non-reactionary. She lets everyone be heard and does not react.

Just discussing this mother ship concept with Ruth calmed me down. It made sense. At the time it seemed like very “big girl” behavior, and a bit of a stretch for this new stepmom, but I knew it was something for which I needed to strive if I was going to keep my sanity.

Over the years, I have struggled with many issues in this role of stepmom, and the biggest one has been figuring out my boundaries within the whole thing. On top of that list was my boundaries with The Ex. My fear around her, especially in the early days, was palpable. Her constant presence in my life crossed my boundaries and left me horrified. I spent a lot of my time and energy reacting and overreacting to her behavior because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was not very mother ship-ish.

So, I started taking Ruth’s advice, and the more I did the easier my life became. The calmer and stronger I was, the less volatile the situation became. I was conscious I was no longer part of the problem. And this is the real clincher. By being reactionary, too involved and too invested in things and people we cannot control, the worse we make our lives and the lives of those around us. Ruth would be proud.

Recently, we had an experience where my husband’s ex sent him a long e-mail tracking her resentments and injustices since they split up seven years ago. It was full of threats, irrational thoughts and unreasonable requests. Having had years of practice of this mother ship routine, I read the email and then was silent. My husband was eager for my reaction, which he expected to be somewhere between outrage and panic. “What do you think? He pressed, “Can you believe it?” I could sense his fear and knew if I added my own fear and emotion things would escalate. So, I was calm and responded, “I wonder what is happening in her life to cause her to write this e-mail?” I was nonjudgmental and compassionate toward her. I was strong. My reaction had a calming effect on my husband. He did not respond to her e-mail, and she since has not brought it up. If I had overreacted, my husband would have been more upset, action (possibly regrettable) would have been taken and things would be a whole lot more hot and bothered at my house!

If you ever feel resentment, fear or anger toward what is happening with The Ex, the kids or your man, give the mother ship a shot. It means you chose to feel compassion for each affected party. It means you chose to act from a place of love, not fear. It means you chose to be detached from the drama and conflict that is not yours. It means you chose to make a positive difference in people’s lives. It is very “big girl” behavior and feels very grown-up, but it is a gift of greater well being to everyone involved, and I guarantee you will have a happier life.

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Thriving in a Stepfamily
By Laura Petherbridge
As seen in the October 2010 issue

“Being a stepmom is much more difficult than I imagined,” Nancy, a stepmom of four years shared with me. “Since my husband and I are excited about our marriage, we assumed the kids would be happy, too. But they are really struggling, and I’m not sure what to do.”

As a stepmom of more than 24 years, I understand her concerns. A few months into my second marriage, I was discouraged by the complexities associated with being a stepmother of two boys, aged 11 and 13. Learning how to function in a blended family has been a process for all of us. Along the journey, we have discovered a few insights on how to succeed as a stepfamily.

Stepfamilies are Formed Out of Loss
An estimated one-third of children will live in a stepparent home before the age of 18 (1), and 50 percent will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime (2). Whether death or divorce has disrupted the biological family, children often wrestle with the adjustment. The family unit typically provides a child with safety and security. However, the death of a parent or a family divorce is likely to induce insecurity and fear in a child’s life. Nancy continues to explain. “After my husband and his former wife divorced, his kids moved to a different neighborhood plus had to change schools. They attend a new church, which caused them to lose good friends and a familiar routine. All of this loss has caused them to be angry and sad, and I’m an easy target for their grief.”

It’s not uncommon to falsely assume that a stepfamily formed because of the death of a parent is easier on the children than a remarriage after divorce. However, all loss is painful. Kids who are grieving often display frustration, depression or belligerence. It’s crucial for a stepparent to understand how loss can shatter dreams and instill long-term anxiety. Books that address children and divorce and support groups designed for kids suffering from the emotions associated with grief can be strategic resources.

A Healthy Stepfamily Takes Time
About 75 percent of people who divorce will eventually remarry (3). However, one of the most common misconceptions about stepfamilies is that everyone will quickly bond. “If I had this to do over again, I’d wait to remarry,” states Don. “My wife and I both brought children into this second marriage. During our six months of dating everyone got along great, however once we got married that all changed. It’s been three years and the children still resent the new family dynamic.” Stepfamily expert Ron Deal shares, “The average stepfamily takes seven years to integrate. Parents want to believe their kids will be okay, thus the power of hope blinds couples to the realities of stepfamily integration” (4). Many couples enter a remarriage without understanding that the kids may struggle or battle against the marriage. When parents attempt to rush or force a bond between stepchildren and stepparent, it creates tension and sets the marriage up for failure.

Time with the Biological Parent is Crucial
A smart stepparent encourages their spouse to spend time alone with his or her kids. One of the biggest mistakes I made as a stepmom was to underestimate the need my stepsons had for time alone with their dad. A child often views a stepparent as a threat. Therefore, it’s wise to plan special time for the parent and child to be alone without the stepparent or stepsiblings. When children understand their parents haven’t abandoned them it may go a long way in helping the children adjust. A smart stepparent desires for their spouse to have a healthy relationship with his or her kids. Then gradually, over time, begin to integrate activities together as a stepfamily.

The Marriage Must Come First
Thirty percent of people remarry within a year after a divorce and many do not take into account the tug-of-war that may result between their new spouse and their kids (5). If a marriage is going to thrive, it’s necessary for the relationship to be the first priority. However, guilt may prevent one or both parents from placing the marriage before the children. Jennifer, a stepmom of seven years shares, “My stepchildren are extremely rude toward me, and I feel like a stranger in my own home. My husband says I’m overreacting and that I should ignore them. This is causing tremendous stress in our marriage. I feel as though my feelings don’t matter and that he doesn’t care. I’m emotionally shutting down and losing respect for him.”

In a stepfamily, it’s vitally important for the parents to form a unified team. In a biological family, the children feel safe and secure when mom and dad have a strong foundation and bond. However, it’s completely the opposite in a stepfamily. The marriage may be viewed as a threat, propelling the kids on a mission to “divide and conquer.” When this occurs, the biological parent holds the key to success. While demonstrating unconditional love, he or she also must clearly communicate to the children that disrespect toward the stepparent will not be tolerated. In addition, the children must understand consequences will be implemented if they choose to disrespect the stepparent. In difficult circumstances, the couple may need to obtain professional help from a counselor who understands the complexities associated with stepfamilies. With unity, diligence, understanding and patience, the issues can be overcome.

 Understanding Love
It’s embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I didn’t like my stepkids, much less love them. Stepkids can be difficult and unloving, but it’s important to remember that hurt people are the ones who hurt people. You may love your stepchildren differently than you do your own biological children. The goal is to learn to care even if they never love you in return.

Our stepfamily journey is filled with mistakes and victories. One of my greatest pleasures is to use my experience to help others. My stepsons are now 34 and 36 with children of their own. We continue to build our relationships, every step of the way.

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