FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS:
Do mom & stepmom really need to be friends?
For many moms and stepmoms a civil relationship with each other seems entirely out of the question. But some actually consider themselves to be friends with the other woman. This raises a few questions: How close is too close? Is it realistic, or even healthy, for everyone to strive to be one big happy family? Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of the highly acclaimed book Stepmonster, explains below why cordial, cooperative and healthy boundaries are often the ideal balance, for everyone.
QUESTION:
I’m curious, based on a recent post on StepMom Magazine’s Facebook page, is it best not to try to improve the relationship with my stepkids’ mom beyond having no animosity and just keep things respectful and separate? And if so, why? I hardly talk with my stepkids’ mom as a result of some drama last summer but we are cordial to each other in the same room. We used to be closer and I even hung out with her family and chatted with her somewhat frequently. I was considering trying to get back to that but wonder if it would be negative for the kids according to psychologists and sociologists findings. Your thoughts?
ANSWER:
Author Wednesday Martin, Ph.d. explains:
“Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center summarized findings from expert’s research and clinical experience that when exes are very chummy and cordial and spend a lot of time together, children are likely to experience confusion and wonder why they divorced in the first place and may continue to nurture fantasies of parental reconciliation.
Finally bending over backwards to engineer a “perfect world” for kids of any age post-divorce is not necessarily doing them a favor. While the impulse is understandable to “keep everything exactly the same,” it is not healthy. Things change after parents divorce and helping children develop resilience and a sense of confidence that they are loved is more important than spending holidays with his ex and potentially confusing them, if that doesn’t work for you as a couple. And if it comes at the cost of one’s personal emotional comfort and safety, it is a disservice all around.
To make a long story short, maintaining a cordial, cooperative relationship with healthy boundaries with an ex is healthy for everyone in the picture. Each couple should decide what works for them and check in with each other regularly about it, with the understanding that these things sometimes change over time.”
It’d be nuts to be so buddy-buddy with your DH’s ex. It’d be pretty hurtful to the guy to see you cozying up with someone who wishes him ill and undermines him at every turn. Unless, of course, you don’t have that kind of an ex to deal with … in which case, lucky you. But why would he have divorced her if she were so reasonable?
The role of a NW is to help make things better. You go in knowing there’s bitterness … you just don’t want to believe your DH caused any of it. This is a common problem with DH’s who become victims and the person who supposed to make things better (not feed the problem) is the new wife but this isn’t often the case. Unless she’s an utter selfless angel often the NW fuels the fire to make things worse not realizing the divorce rate with her DH is 75% or higher and she’s making more stress for him. It is better to not try to fix his kids, not antagonize his wife and to focus on your DH and his needs and be benign to the former wife. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all it’s the best move.
My parents divorced after all of their children had graduated high school. My father remarried a woman who also has grown children. After the birth of my son, the first grandchild for all, my “step mom” and my mother have become friendly and my mom, dad, and step mom took my son to Disney World, just the 4 of them. (I must put a disclaimer that my step mom is a very Christian and WONDERFUL woman…unlike the rest of us, myself included) She also has a friendly relationship with her dh’s wife.
I can say, as a grown adult, this is wonderful for us children and for the grandchildren. There isn’t a fear of hurting one parent or the other for our feelings toward the parent or step parent.
This said…I don’t care for my SO’s xw. I will be cordial to her and respect that she is the children’s mother. I will not share with her my free time though.
I have been saying this for years! Things improved dramatically when BM (mostly) finally got it. Most of the time, the dynamics between a BM and SM are not conducive to a true friendship. My mantra is that I can and should and must be “civil” and “friendly.” However, BM and I do everyone a disservice if we forget for a minute that we are not well positioned to be friends. This is not a comment on either of us; it is about the dynamics of the relationship. A good SM must concede to BM and hold back, wherein friends are on an equal playing field. If you forget that boundary it will inevitably create resentment and drama and hurt feelings, either because the SM inappropriately crossed a line, or because BM made a choice or took a position that contradicted SM’s feelings or deeply-held principles. Resentment and drama and hurt feelings impair the two moms’ ability to work together in the interests of the kids. Keep it business-like, and by that I mean civil, friendly, compassionate (yes, compassion is a business principle!), professional, and flexible–but not personal. 99% of the time the kids are going to be much happier. I firmly believe that BM and I now get along well 99% of the time because I strictly maintain these boundaries; the more she mirrors this type of relationship back at me, the happier the kids seem to be.